Grammar help please? Also, is it interesting. I’m making an extra effort to focus on lots of senses because Katie (who is 12) is blind. Okay, here it is, I appreciate you reading it, sorry, I know its long.

At the moment, she is totally bored and looking for her ipod.

Taking a deep sigh, she clambered up the stairs and into her room. Listen to music. Great idea! If only she knew where her ipod was. Katie dropped to the ground on her hands and knees and started searching. If she didn’t find it, at least looking for it would waste some time. Her hand crawled in all different directions, skimming over the floor, under the bed, desk, and dresser. She slithered into the lounge room and checked under all the chairs. Finally, she stood up and dug her hand under the pillows, feeling every crevice and corner, but she was nothing but disappointed. She ran her hands over and under the sheets of her bed, and tops of the desk and dresser, but still no ipod. “Mom?” She hollered. “Can you help me look for my ipod?” Still no response. She must be out food shopping or something.

Well, she could check listening to music off for list of things she can’t do. Katie collapsed her worn body onto the cool, wood floor of her bedroom. She lay there in annoyance, her body spread out like a snow angel. Puck trotted over to her and licked her face. “Hehe, stop Puck!” She cried and hugged her dog. “Puck,” She said, bolting up, “Could you help me find my ipod?” She listened for a response, but only heard her dog’s heavy breathing. “Thought not,” She mumbled and sank back down. The boredom was eating away at her. “Okay,” She said aloud, “I’ll make my own music. Help me sing Puck.” The dog bumped his head into her shoulder as Katie hollered a very out of tune version of Love Story. “WE WERE BOTH YOUNG WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU…” Katie chanted. “I CLOSED MY EYES, AND THE FLASHBACK STARTS I’M STANDING THERE. ON A BALCONY OF SUMMER AIR.”
She sang each verse with the loudest tone she could muster up, feeling free and giggly.

So, you chose my answer as Best on your other question so I came to this one to comment and explain my opinion about Visuals in Third Person vs First Person.

So–it doesn’t have anything to do with whether or not it’s first person. It has to do with whether or not it’s in Katie’s Limited Third Person perspective, or in an Omniscient third person. If it’s in Limited Third Person, that means the reader can only see what Katie sees, hear what Katie hears, smell what Katie smells…you get the point. If you’re trying to write in Third Person Limited, it’s actually a weakness when you drift out of Katie’s perspective, and it can be truly Difficult not to add in those extra details–with First Person, it’s much Easier. But that doesn’t mean that when you choose Third Person you don’t have to put in that extra effort to make it right.

BUT, you could also write the book in Omniscient Third Person. That means that the narrator (i.e., you) knows everything that’s happening to everyone, and can go into anyone’s head at any time during the story. For instance, you could tell what Katie’s thinking one paragraph, and tell what her mom is thinking the next–another term for it is Head-Hopping. But I feel like, if you want the reader to truly know what it feels like to be blind Katie, you should stick to Third Limited and avoid visual details.

Anyway, now for this Excerpt…

"Taking a deep sigh" seems like a mix between "Taking a deep breath" and "sighing deeply." But I don’t think you can really "take" a sigh because you’re exhaling, not inhaling.

What do you mean by "her worn body"? Is she sick? Injured? What? (these are rhetorical questions you should clarify in the story–you don’t have to tell me the answers )

"She lay there in annoyance" doesn’t say much about what she’s doing. How does lying somewhere in annoyance look different than lying somewhere in happiness? Also, saying that she’s "spread out like a snow angel" gives a visual from above, so that the reader is looking down at Katie, when really we should be looking through her eyes–up–at the ceiling, for instance.

"she cried" should be lowercase. "she said" should also be lowercase. "she mumbled" should be lowercase.

Are you sure the boredom is eating her?

"she said aloud" should be lowercase, and "aloud" isn’t necessary, because if you say something the reader is going to assume you say it out loud…as oppose to saying "she thought."

"hollered" and "chanted" have different connotations–you may want to think of different verbs. ALSO, if you want to get this published, you’ll need permission from Taylor Swift to use her lyrics. And probably pay money.

That’s it . I personally like the Katie of the second excerpt, because she seems less moody, and it’s particularly admirable for a blind girl to not be moody. But also understandable that she is. So anyway, great job, I hope you post more

Grammar help please? Also, is it interesting. I’m making an extra effort to focus on lots of senses because Katie (who is 12) is blind. Okay, here it is, I appreciate you reading it, sorry, I know its long.

At the moment, she is totally bored and looking for her ipod.

Taking a deep sigh, she clambered up the stairs and into her room. Listen to music. Great idea! If only she knew where her ipod was. Katie dropped to the ground on her hands and knees and started searching. If she didn’t find it, at least looking for it would waste some time. Her hand crawled in all different directions, skimming over the floor, under the bed, desk, and dresser. She slithered into the lounge room and checked under all the chairs. Finally, she stood up and dug her hand under the pillows, feeling every crevice and corner, but she was nothing but disappointed. She ran her hands over and under the sheets of her bed, and tops of the desk and dresser, but still no ipod. “Mom?” She hollered. “Can you help me look for my ipod?” Still no response. She must be out food shopping or something.

Well, she could check listening to music off for list of things she can’t do. Katie collapsed her worn body onto the cool, wood floor of her bedroom. She lay there in annoyance, her body spread out like a snow angel. Puck trotted over to her and licked her face. “Hehe, stop Puck!” She cried and hugged her dog. “Puck,” She said, bolting up, “Could you help me find my ipod?” She listened for a response, but only heard her dog’s heavy breathing. “Thought not,” She mumbled and sank back down. The boredom was eating away at her. “Okay,” She said aloud, “I’ll make my own music. Help me sing Puck.” The dog bumped his head into her shoulder as Katie hollered a very out of tune version of Love Story. “WE WERE BOTH YOUNG WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU…” Katie chanted. “I CLOSED MY EYES, AND THE FLASHBACK STARTS I’M STANDING THERE. ON A BALCONY OF SUMMER AIR.”
She sang each verse with the loudest tone she could muster up, feeling free and giggly.

So, you chose my answer as Best on your other question so I came to this one to comment and explain my opinion about Visuals in Third Person vs First Person.

So–it doesn’t have anything to do with whether or not it’s first person. It has to do with whether or not it’s in Katie’s Limited Third Person perspective, or in an Omniscient third person. If it’s in Limited Third Person, that means the reader can only see what Katie sees, hear what Katie hears, smell what Katie smells…you get the point. If you’re trying to write in Third Person Limited, it’s actually a weakness when you drift out of Katie’s perspective, and it can be truly Difficult not to add in those extra details–with First Person, it’s much Easier. But that doesn’t mean that when you choose Third Person you don’t have to put in that extra effort to make it right.

BUT, you could also write the book in Omniscient Third Person. That means that the narrator (i.e., you) knows everything that’s happening to everyone, and can go into anyone’s head at any time during the story. For instance, you could tell what Katie’s thinking one paragraph, and tell what her mom is thinking the next–another term for it is Head-Hopping. But I feel like, if you want the reader to truly know what it feels like to be blind Katie, you should stick to Third Limited and avoid visual details.

Anyway, now for this Excerpt…

"Taking a deep sigh" seems like a mix between "Taking a deep breath" and "sighing deeply." But I don’t think you can really "take" a sigh because you’re exhaling, not inhaling.

What do you mean by "her worn body"? Is she sick? Injured? What? (these are rhetorical questions you should clarify in the story–you don’t have to tell me the answers )

"She lay there in annoyance" doesn’t say much about what she’s doing. How does lying somewhere in annoyance look different than lying somewhere in happiness? Also, saying that she’s "spread out like a snow angel" gives a visual from above, so that the reader is looking down at Katie, when really we should be looking through her eyes–up–at the ceiling, for instance.

"she cried" should be lowercase. "she said" should also be lowercase. "she mumbled" should be lowercase.

Are you sure the boredom is eating her?

"she said aloud" should be lowercase, and "aloud" isn’t necessary, because if you say something the reader is going to assume you say it out loud…as oppose to saying "she thought."

"hollered" and "chanted" have different connotations–you may want to think of different verbs. ALSO, if you want to get this published, you’ll need permission from Taylor Swift to use her lyrics. And probably pay money.

That’s it . I personally like the Katie of the second excerpt, because she seems less moody, and it’s particularly admirable for a blind girl to not be moody. But also understandable that she is. So anyway, great job, I hope you post more

Grammar help please? Also, is it interesting. I’m making an extra effort to focus on lots of senses because Katie (who is 12) is blind. Okay, here it is, I appreciate you reading it, sorry, I know its long.

At the moment, she is totally bored and looking for her ipod.

Taking a deep sigh, she clambered up the stairs and into her room. Listen to music. Great idea! If only she knew where her ipod was. Katie dropped to the ground on her hands and knees and started searching. If she didn’t find it, at least looking for it would waste some time. Her hand crawled in all different directions, skimming over the floor, under the bed, desk, and dresser. She slithered into the lounge room and checked under all the chairs. Finally, she stood up and dug her hand under the pillows, feeling every crevice and corner, but she was nothing but disappointed. She ran her hands over and under the sheets of her bed, and tops of the desk and dresser, but still no ipod. “Mom?” She hollered. “Can you help me look for my ipod?” Still no response. She must be out food shopping or something.

Well, she could check listening to music off for list of things she can’t do. Katie collapsed her worn body onto the cool, wood floor of her bedroom. She lay there in annoyance, her body spread out like a snow angel. Puck trotted over to her and licked her face. “Hehe, stop Puck!” She cried and hugged her dog. “Puck,” She said, bolting up, “Could you help me find my ipod?” She listened for a response, but only heard her dog’s heavy breathing. “Thought not,” She mumbled and sank back down. The boredom was eating away at her. “Okay,” She said aloud, “I’ll make my own music. Help me sing Puck.” The dog bumped his head into her shoulder as Katie hollered a very out of tune version of Love Story. “WE WERE BOTH YOUNG WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU…” Katie chanted. “I CLOSED MY EYES, AND THE FLASHBACK STARTS I’M STANDING THERE. ON A BALCONY OF SUMMER AIR.”
She sang each verse with the loudest tone she could muster up, feeling free and giggly.

So, you chose my answer as Best on your other question so I came to this one to comment and explain my opinion about Visuals in Third Person vs First Person.

So–it doesn’t have anything to do with whether or not it’s first person. It has to do with whether or not it’s in Katie’s Limited Third Person perspective, or in an Omniscient third person. If it’s in Limited Third Person, that means the reader can only see what Katie sees, hear what Katie hears, smell what Katie smells…you get the point. If you’re trying to write in Third Person Limited, it’s actually a weakness when you drift out of Katie’s perspective, and it can be truly Difficult not to add in those extra details–with First Person, it’s much Easier. But that doesn’t mean that when you choose Third Person you don’t have to put in that extra effort to make it right.

BUT, you could also write the book in Omniscient Third Person. That means that the narrator (i.e., you) knows everything that’s happening to everyone, and can go into anyone’s head at any time during the story. For instance, you could tell what Katie’s thinking one paragraph, and tell what her mom is thinking the next–another term for it is Head-Hopping. But I feel like, if you want the reader to truly know what it feels like to be blind Katie, you should stick to Third Limited and avoid visual details.

Anyway, now for this Excerpt…

"Taking a deep sigh" seems like a mix between "Taking a deep breath" and "sighing deeply." But I don’t think you can really "take" a sigh because you’re exhaling, not inhaling.

What do you mean by "her worn body"? Is she sick? Injured? What? (these are rhetorical questions you should clarify in the story–you don’t have to tell me the answers )

"She lay there in annoyance" doesn’t say much about what she’s doing. How does lying somewhere in annoyance look different than lying somewhere in happiness? Also, saying that she’s "spread out like a snow angel" gives a visual from above, so that the reader is looking down at Katie, when really we should be looking through her eyes–up–at the ceiling, for instance.

"she cried" should be lowercase. "she said" should also be lowercase. "she mumbled" should be lowercase.

Are you sure the boredom is eating her?

"she said aloud" should be lowercase, and "aloud" isn’t necessary, because if you say something the reader is going to assume you say it out loud…as oppose to saying "she thought."

"hollered" and "chanted" have different connotations–you may want to think of different verbs. ALSO, if you want to get this published, you’ll need permission from Taylor Swift to use her lyrics. And probably pay money.

That’s it . I personally like the Katie of the second excerpt, because she seems less moody, and it’s particularly admirable for a blind girl to not be moody. But also understandable that she is. So anyway, great job, I hope you post more

Grammar help please? Also, is it interesting. I’m making an extra effort to focus on lots of senses because Katie (who is 12) is blind. Okay, here it is, I appreciate you reading it, sorry, I know its long.

At the moment, she is totally bored and looking for her ipod.

Taking a deep sigh, she clambered up the stairs and into her room. Listen to music. Great idea! If only she knew where her ipod was. Katie dropped to the ground on her hands and knees and started searching. If she didn’t find it, at least looking for it would waste some time. Her hand crawled in all different directions, skimming over the floor, under the bed, desk, and dresser. She slithered into the lounge room and checked under all the chairs. Finally, she stood up and dug her hand under the pillows, feeling every crevice and corner, but she was nothing but disappointed. She ran her hands over and under the sheets of her bed, and tops of the desk and dresser, but still no ipod. “Mom?” She hollered. “Can you help me look for my ipod?” Still no response. She must be out food shopping or something.

Well, she could check listening to music off for list of things she can’t do. Katie collapsed her worn body onto the cool, wood floor of her bedroom. She lay there in annoyance, her body spread out like a snow angel. Puck trotted over to her and licked her face. “Hehe, stop Puck!” She cried and hugged her dog. “Puck,” She said, bolting up, “Could you help me find my ipod?” She listened for a response, but only heard her dog’s heavy breathing. “Thought not,” She mumbled and sank back down. The boredom was eating away at her. “Okay,” She said aloud, “I’ll make my own music. Help me sing Puck.” The dog bumped his head into her shoulder as Katie hollered a very out of tune version of Love Story. “WE WERE BOTH YOUNG WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU…” Katie chanted. “I CLOSED MY EYES, AND THE FLASHBACK STARTS I’M STANDING THERE. ON A BALCONY OF SUMMER AIR.”
She sang each verse with the loudest tone she could muster up, feeling free and giggly.

So, you chose my answer as Best on your other question so I came to this one to comment and explain my opinion about Visuals in Third Person vs First Person.

So–it doesn’t have anything to do with whether or not it’s first person. It has to do with whether or not it’s in Katie’s Limited Third Person perspective, or in an Omniscient third person. If it’s in Limited Third Person, that means the reader can only see what Katie sees, hear what Katie hears, smell what Katie smells…you get the point. If you’re trying to write in Third Person Limited, it’s actually a weakness when you drift out of Katie’s perspective, and it can be truly Difficult not to add in those extra details–with First Person, it’s much Easier. But that doesn’t mean that when you choose Third Person you don’t have to put in that extra effort to make it right.

BUT, you could also write the book in Omniscient Third Person. That means that the narrator (i.e., you) knows everything that’s happening to everyone, and can go into anyone’s head at any time during the story. For instance, you could tell what Katie’s thinking one paragraph, and tell what her mom is thinking the next–another term for it is Head-Hopping. But I feel like, if you want the reader to truly know what it feels like to be blind Katie, you should stick to Third Limited and avoid visual details.

Anyway, now for this Excerpt…

"Taking a deep sigh" seems like a mix between "Taking a deep breath" and "sighing deeply." But I don’t think you can really "take" a sigh because you’re exhaling, not inhaling.

What do you mean by "her worn body"? Is she sick? Injured? What? (these are rhetorical questions you should clarify in the story–you don’t have to tell me the answers )

"She lay there in annoyance" doesn’t say much about what she’s doing. How does lying somewhere in annoyance look different than lying somewhere in happiness? Also, saying that she’s "spread out like a snow angel" gives a visual from above, so that the reader is looking down at Katie, when really we should be looking through her eyes–up–at the ceiling, for instance.

"she cried" should be lowercase. "she said" should also be lowercase. "she mumbled" should be lowercase.

Are you sure the boredom is eating her?

"she said aloud" should be lowercase, and "aloud" isn’t necessary, because if you say something the reader is going to assume you say it out loud…as oppose to saying "she thought."

"hollered" and "chanted" have different connotations–you may want to think of different verbs. ALSO, if you want to get this published, you’ll need permission from Taylor Swift to use her lyrics. And probably pay money.

That’s it . I personally like the Katie of the second excerpt, because she seems less moody, and it’s particularly admirable for a blind girl to not be moody. But also understandable that she is. So anyway, great job, I hope you post more

I love my puppy and this slideshow is dedicated to her.
Thank you Tuesday for being the best pet in the world!

This music Hey Soul Sister BY Train I do not own this music.

Duration : 0:1:14

lass=”more-link”>(more…)

Technorati Tags: awesom, awesome, bed, cool, cute, dog, hey soul sister, puppy, show, slide, slideshow, smart, train, train hey soul sister, tuesday, tuesday the dog

Well… Long story short I’ve wanted a pet rodent for about 8 or so years now, and even though my parents probably still won’t allow me to get any, I figured it couldn’t hurt to get some advice on how to care for the little rats in case I did get some. I did some research and so far I’ve found some useful tips, but there are some things I’m still wondering. Like;

What kind of cage is best? Plastic or a tank doesn’t really provide much ventilation, but I’m not sure about a wire cage. And what size is optimal for 2 female rats, since if any that’s that I plan on getting?

What’s a good bedding type? Carefresh, the paper-based stuff, I heard was pretty good.

What kind of diet do they have? How often/how much should they be fed? And what foods should be avoided at all costs?

Aaaaand last but certainly not least, what are handy acessories? So far I’ve read hammocks and cat jingle toys are good. Besides the necessities (water bottle, something to chew on, a private place to sleep, food bowl, etc). Should I prepare a backup cage in case one takes sick?

Any other tips you have to offer would be greatly appreciated as well. =)

Environment-wise they would probably stay in my room, on my desk (since I never use it for its purpose, heh). The cage wouldn’t be in direct sunlight, and honestly I’m not sure what kind of temperature it is generally, but I consider it cool, maybe lukewarm. Colder in the winter and warmer in the summer of course, but nothing too extreme. Plus there’s always ways of cooling down or warming up. ^^ We do have one other pet, a dog (a 7 year old flat-coated retriever to be exact) but she doesn’t go in my room often and could certainly be kept out if necessary. If the rats wanted a larger place to run we do have rooms that could be free-range from time to time. Thanks! <3
Oh! How often should the cage be cleaned, as well?

Woohoo! Rats are amazing, I’ve got three :]

Let’s go:
What kind of cage is best? Plastic or a tank doesn’t really provide much ventilation, but I’m not sure about a wire cage. And what size is optimal for 2 female rats, since if any that’s that I plan on getting?:

A cage must be roomy and spacious for a rat, for two rats, the cheapest I can think of is the Petco Rat Manor, for $100 but, if you’ve got the extra cash a 1 unit, or 2 unit Critter Nation is AMZING.
One unit- [holds up to 5 rats] http://www.walmart.com/ip/Midwest-Pets-Critter-Nation-Single-Unit-with-Stand/14317989
Double unit [holds ten rats]- http://www.walmart.com/ip/Midwest-Pets-Critter-Nation-Double-Unit-with-Stand/14317990#QAmodule They’re very big, and spacious and rats love them.

Never use a tank, please. Bad ventilation, and air circulation can make your rats sick. Wire cage bar spacing should be be 1/2 and inch so they cannot slip out through the bars. :}

Rat Manor
[I don't recommend this nearly as much as the Critter Nation, but I have used it. It's okay...]

http://www.petco.com/Shop/Product.aspx?familyid=106171&Ntt=rat%20manor&OneResultRedirect=1

This website is always a good help if you need to know if a cage is big enough:

http://www.rattycorner.com/odds/calc.shtml

What’s a good bedding type? Carefresh, the paper-based stuff, I heard was pretty good.:

Carefresh Ultra>Carefresh. Regular Carefresh can be dusty and can irritate their longs. Aspen is good as well. Avoid pine and cedar beddings, these are terrible for rats. I personally use fleece lining on my cage shelves and bottom, and they have a litter pan with aspen.

What kind of diet do they have? How often/how much should they be fed? And what foods should be avoided at all costs?:
Pretty much, fill the bowl with food whenever it gets empty. If it’s still got some in it the next day, dump it and re-fill. Lab blocks are best. Mazuri and Harlan Teklad are two really good lab blocks. I’ve heard good things about oxbow as well.
Harlan Teklad:

http://mainelyratrescue.org/store2/index.php?main_page=index&cPath=3&zenid=68907167a60f6d5252c74c06fbda02c4

[from a good rescue]

Oxbow:

http://www.oxbowanimalhealth.com/products

Mazuri can be found in most pet stores.
Do NOT feed them seed mix, it’s bad for them, usually has too much fat and protein, they usually only eat the sunflower seeds out of it, and can have mites in it. Do not feed male rats oranges, do not feed them raw potatoes… better yet:
Forbidden Foods list:

http://www.petratscanada.com/forbidden_foods.htm

Aaaaand last but certainly not least, what are handy acessories? So far I’ve read hammocks and cat jingle toys are good. Besides the necessities (water bottle, something to chew on, a private place to sleep, food bowl, etc). Should I prepare a backup cage in case one takes sick?:

Backup cage is always a good idea for when you have a sick rat, have to take a rat to the vet, one gets injured and has to be kept alone while healing, something to put them in when cleaning the main cage and they can’t be supervised, etc. Good accessories are ferret toys, bird toys, cat toys, hammocks, dog toys, cute soft pillows, dollar store nic-nacs, etc. Home made toys are good, too.
Here are some good ideas:

http://www.dapper.com.au/toys.htm

Any other tips you have to offer would be greatly appreciated as well. =):

Other tips: Make sure you play with them at least an hour a day, if not more! :] And, there’s no such thing as too much cage space.

Environment-wise they would probably stay in my room, on my desk (since I never use it for its purpose, heh). The cage wouldn’t be in direct sunlight, and honestly I’m not sure what kind of temperature it is generally, but I consider it cool, maybe lukewarm. Colder in the winter and warmer in the summer of course, but nothing too extreme. Plus there’s always ways of cooling down or warming up. …… :

http://www.dapper.com.au/articles.htm

There’s some articles on how to cool off/warm up a rat if your room is too hot or too cold. My room tends to get hot so I always have a fan going, and when it’s REALLY hot I put ice cubes in their water and they have a Chin-Chiller [slab of marble that stays cool for them to lay on]
Best of luck.