I really want the main character, Katie (12) who is blind to have a really well structured personality. Maybe that doesn’t show here, but I’ve been posting a couple snippets from the story so far, so hopefully I am shaping her into a fun, independent 12 year old =)

Grammar? Is it interesting enough for what it is? Someone on here brought my attention to omniscient third person, which I want to write in, but am confused about where my boundaries go. Help with that?

Any other comments? Thanks in advance!

She inhaled deeply and clambered up the stairs and into her room. Listen to music. Great idea. If only she knew where her iPod was. Katie dropped to the ground on her hands and knees and started searching. If she didn’t find it, at least looking for it would waste some time. Her hand crawled in all different directions, skimming over the floor, under the bed, desk, and dresser. She slithered into the lounge room and checked under all the chairs. Finally, she stood up and dug her hand under the pillows, feeling every crevice and corner, but she was nothing but disappointed. She ran her hands over and under the sheets of her bed, and tops of the desk and dresser, but still no iPod. “Mom?” She hollered. “Can you help me look for my iPod?” Still no response. She must be out food shopping or something.
Well, she could check listening to music off for list of things she can’t do. Katie collapsed onto the cool, wood floor of her bedroom. She lay there in annoyance, arms crossed over her chest. Puck trotted over to her and licked her face. “Hehe, stop Puck!” She cried and hugged her dog. “Puck,” She said, bolting up, “Could you help me find my ipod?” She listened for a response, but only heard her dog’s heavy breathing. “Thought not,” She mumbled and sank back down. The boredom was eating away at her. “Okay,” She said aloud, “I’ll make my own music. Help me sing Puck.” The dog bumped his head into her shoulder as Katie hollered a very out of tune version of Love Story. “WE WERE BOTH YOUNG WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU…” Katie chanted. “I CLOSED MY EYES, AND THE FLASHBACK STARTS I’M STANDING THERE. ON A BALCONY OF SUMMER AIR.”
She sang each verse with the loudest tone she could muster up, feeling free and giggly.

I recommend finding a writing community to work on your writing. https://sites.google.com/site/allusionsanddreams/home/resources-1

1. It should have a blank space between paragraphs to make it easier to read without Tabs.

2. As I review this again, I am uncertain if it has paragraphs. It needs to be edited for grammar.

3. Capital letters are for chat rooms. They are not grammatically correct.

I felt someone shaking me. “Wake up sweety…” I herd my dad wisper into my ear. “ugghh just 5 more minutes..” I begged. “come on, your coming to the office with me today, remember?” My dad works at hollywood records, he is a tour maniger/director. Hes directed some pretty amazing tours. His name is Joe Micheals and I’m Hannah Jo Micheals. My mom sadly passed away from breast cancer when I was five. She was a singer and my dad was an intern at a record company and thats how they met. I remember how in love they were. I want to have what they did, when I grow up. When my mom died my dad pulled me out of school and desided to homeschool me and bring me to work with him. He wanted to be able to work and be with me. He travels alot and didnt want to leave me with some nanny. So on normal days I go to work with him and hangout and do school and then when ever he has to go on tour I travel with him. Its a crazy life, but I wouldnt have it any other way. I love my dad, and I’m glad I get to be with him everyday, even if it isnt like everyone else. When my dad tours in the summer I usually bring my best friend Lauren. She is so crazy. We have been best friend since kindergarden. (my only year in school) We are neighboors so it wasnt hard to stay in touch. Anyways back to today. “can we get breakfast first?..” I asked. “no you can just grab a bagel at the office, I’m going to be late, I have an important meeting with a band today…so come on hunny..” I slowly got out of bed and put on some clothes and grabed my bag.
http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=mrctw8&s=4 (outfit she is wearing)
We got the office and I fallowed my dad into his big office and walked over to my own little table by the window. It had a laptop, a pencil/pen cup full of both, a lamp, a dictionary, a note pad, calculator, and a water bottle. I walked over and sat down and took out my books and started with math. Two hours later my dad walks in with like 10 people and leads them to the big table in the middle of his office. I didnt pay much attention to them, it was hard to hear them, I was pretty far away. (big big office) I got up to us the bathroom and walked out to the hall bathroom.

*Nick POV*
Mr.Micheals lead us into his office, it was HUGE! There was his desk in the corner with a big leather chair and then the big meeting table in the middle, and then there was a mediumish table my the window with a girl with long blonde curly hair, sitting and what looked like doing school work..hmm..why isnt she in school. A little while later she got up and was heading toward the door. She was short, even with high heals on, as she got closer i noticed her green eyes, they were stunning. She was so cute. I wonder who she is? She came back in the room quietly so not to disturb the meeting. I just starred at her, she was so beautiful. I was spacing out, when all the sudden Joe elbowed me. “owww..” I cried. “Are you alright Mr.Jonas?” Mr. Micheals asked me. “Oh, yeah sorry, Joes elbow slipped and hit me..please continue..” I looked over at Joe and gave him a look..”quit starring at the girl, its rude!” he wispered at me. “I cant help it…” I said dreamily. Joe just rolled his eyes. After Mr.Micheals told us all about the tour and the cities he stoped and asked the girl to come over for a mintue. “Hannah, could you come here for a minute?” He asked her. Wow, Hannah, what a cute name..”sure dad..” she said quietly and got up and walked over next to him. “This is Hannah my daughter, she will be coming with me on the tour. Ever since her mom died I homeschool her and bring her everywhere, call me crazy but as a dad its hard to be gone long with out your only daughter. I never could bare the thought of leaving her with a nanny, but you wont have to worry, she wont get in any of your way, she quit and done it all before. ” Cool a girl coming on tour with us! I thought to myself. “Oh wow, thats lovly, what a great dad!” Mrs. Jonas added. “Will she play with me? Theres never been any kids on tour with us before!” Franky asked excitedly! “Franky shes not a kid, I dont think she would want to do that..” Joe said assuming. “Acually, yeah! I will deffinetly play with you, theres never been anyone to play with when I go on tour eather! I have a dog too, his name is Harold, hes coming too. Maybe you could help take care of him with me on tour?” Hannah said so sweetly. “AWESOME! That would be sooo cool Hannah! Thanks!” Franky said smiling at her. She walked back over to her table and got back to work while we finished up our meeting.
—————————————
Next chapter up tonight or tomarrow. :]
Tell me what you think!
Thanks

Duration : 0:0:45

(more…)

Technorati Tags: Brothers, Jonas, love, Story

Grammar help please? Also, is it interesting. I’m making an extra effort to focus on lots of senses because Katie (who is 12) is blind. Okay, here it is, I appreciate you reading it, sorry, I know its long.

At the moment, she is totally bored and looking for her ipod.

Taking a deep sigh, she clambered up the stairs and into her room. Listen to music. Great idea! If only she knew where her ipod was. Katie dropped to the ground on her hands and knees and started searching. If she didn’t find it, at least looking for it would waste some time. Her hand crawled in all different directions, skimming over the floor, under the bed, desk, and dresser. She slithered into the lounge room and checked under all the chairs. Finally, she stood up and dug her hand under the pillows, feeling every crevice and corner, but she was nothing but disappointed. She ran her hands over and under the sheets of her bed, and tops of the desk and dresser, but still no ipod. “Mom?” She hollered. “Can you help me look for my ipod?” Still no response. She must be out food shopping or something.

Well, she could check listening to music off for list of things she can’t do. Katie collapsed her worn body onto the cool, wood floor of her bedroom. She lay there in annoyance, her body spread out like a snow angel. Puck trotted over to her and licked her face. “Hehe, stop Puck!” She cried and hugged her dog. “Puck,” She said, bolting up, “Could you help me find my ipod?” She listened for a response, but only heard her dog’s heavy breathing. “Thought not,” She mumbled and sank back down. The boredom was eating away at her. “Okay,” She said aloud, “I’ll make my own music. Help me sing Puck.” The dog bumped his head into her shoulder as Katie hollered a very out of tune version of Love Story. “WE WERE BOTH YOUNG WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU…” Katie chanted. “I CLOSED MY EYES, AND THE FLASHBACK STARTS I’M STANDING THERE. ON A BALCONY OF SUMMER AIR.”
She sang each verse with the loudest tone she could muster up, feeling free and giggly.

So, you chose my answer as Best on your other question so I came to this one to comment and explain my opinion about Visuals in Third Person vs First Person.

So–it doesn’t have anything to do with whether or not it’s first person. It has to do with whether or not it’s in Katie’s Limited Third Person perspective, or in an Omniscient third person. If it’s in Limited Third Person, that means the reader can only see what Katie sees, hear what Katie hears, smell what Katie smells…you get the point. If you’re trying to write in Third Person Limited, it’s actually a weakness when you drift out of Katie’s perspective, and it can be truly Difficult not to add in those extra details–with First Person, it’s much Easier. But that doesn’t mean that when you choose Third Person you don’t have to put in that extra effort to make it right.

BUT, you could also write the book in Omniscient Third Person. That means that the narrator (i.e., you) knows everything that’s happening to everyone, and can go into anyone’s head at any time during the story. For instance, you could tell what Katie’s thinking one paragraph, and tell what her mom is thinking the next–another term for it is Head-Hopping. But I feel like, if you want the reader to truly know what it feels like to be blind Katie, you should stick to Third Limited and avoid visual details.

Anyway, now for this Excerpt…

"Taking a deep sigh" seems like a mix between "Taking a deep breath" and "sighing deeply." But I don’t think you can really "take" a sigh because you’re exhaling, not inhaling.

What do you mean by "her worn body"? Is she sick? Injured? What? (these are rhetorical questions you should clarify in the story–you don’t have to tell me the answers )

"She lay there in annoyance" doesn’t say much about what she’s doing. How does lying somewhere in annoyance look different than lying somewhere in happiness? Also, saying that she’s "spread out like a snow angel" gives a visual from above, so that the reader is looking down at Katie, when really we should be looking through her eyes–up–at the ceiling, for instance.

"she cried" should be lowercase. "she said" should also be lowercase. "she mumbled" should be lowercase.

Are you sure the boredom is eating her?

"she said aloud" should be lowercase, and "aloud" isn’t necessary, because if you say something the reader is going to assume you say it out loud…as oppose to saying "she thought."

"hollered" and "chanted" have different connotations–you may want to think of different verbs. ALSO, if you want to get this published, you’ll need permission from Taylor Swift to use her lyrics. And probably pay money.

That’s it . I personally like the Katie of the second excerpt, because she seems less moody, and it’s particularly admirable for a blind girl to not be moody. But also understandable that she is. So anyway, great job, I hope you post more

Grammar help please? Also, is it interesting. I’m making an extra effort to focus on lots of senses because Katie (who is 12) is blind. Okay, here it is, I appreciate you reading it, sorry, I know its long.

At the moment, she is totally bored and looking for her ipod.

Taking a deep sigh, she clambered up the stairs and into her room. Listen to music. Great idea! If only she knew where her ipod was. Katie dropped to the ground on her hands and knees and started searching. If she didn’t find it, at least looking for it would waste some time. Her hand crawled in all different directions, skimming over the floor, under the bed, desk, and dresser. She slithered into the lounge room and checked under all the chairs. Finally, she stood up and dug her hand under the pillows, feeling every crevice and corner, but she was nothing but disappointed. She ran her hands over and under the sheets of her bed, and tops of the desk and dresser, but still no ipod. “Mom?” She hollered. “Can you help me look for my ipod?” Still no response. She must be out food shopping or something.

Well, she could check listening to music off for list of things she can’t do. Katie collapsed her worn body onto the cool, wood floor of her bedroom. She lay there in annoyance, her body spread out like a snow angel. Puck trotted over to her and licked her face. “Hehe, stop Puck!” She cried and hugged her dog. “Puck,” She said, bolting up, “Could you help me find my ipod?” She listened for a response, but only heard her dog’s heavy breathing. “Thought not,” She mumbled and sank back down. The boredom was eating away at her. “Okay,” She said aloud, “I’ll make my own music. Help me sing Puck.” The dog bumped his head into her shoulder as Katie hollered a very out of tune version of Love Story. “WE WERE BOTH YOUNG WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU…” Katie chanted. “I CLOSED MY EYES, AND THE FLASHBACK STARTS I’M STANDING THERE. ON A BALCONY OF SUMMER AIR.”
She sang each verse with the loudest tone she could muster up, feeling free and giggly.

So, you chose my answer as Best on your other question so I came to this one to comment and explain my opinion about Visuals in Third Person vs First Person.

So–it doesn’t have anything to do with whether or not it’s first person. It has to do with whether or not it’s in Katie’s Limited Third Person perspective, or in an Omniscient third person. If it’s in Limited Third Person, that means the reader can only see what Katie sees, hear what Katie hears, smell what Katie smells…you get the point. If you’re trying to write in Third Person Limited, it’s actually a weakness when you drift out of Katie’s perspective, and it can be truly Difficult not to add in those extra details–with First Person, it’s much Easier. But that doesn’t mean that when you choose Third Person you don’t have to put in that extra effort to make it right.

BUT, you could also write the book in Omniscient Third Person. That means that the narrator (i.e., you) knows everything that’s happening to everyone, and can go into anyone’s head at any time during the story. For instance, you could tell what Katie’s thinking one paragraph, and tell what her mom is thinking the next–another term for it is Head-Hopping. But I feel like, if you want the reader to truly know what it feels like to be blind Katie, you should stick to Third Limited and avoid visual details.

Anyway, now for this Excerpt…

"Taking a deep sigh" seems like a mix between "Taking a deep breath" and "sighing deeply." But I don’t think you can really "take" a sigh because you’re exhaling, not inhaling.

What do you mean by "her worn body"? Is she sick? Injured? What? (these are rhetorical questions you should clarify in the story–you don’t have to tell me the answers )

"She lay there in annoyance" doesn’t say much about what she’s doing. How does lying somewhere in annoyance look different than lying somewhere in happiness? Also, saying that she’s "spread out like a snow angel" gives a visual from above, so that the reader is looking down at Katie, when really we should be looking through her eyes–up–at the ceiling, for instance.

"she cried" should be lowercase. "she said" should also be lowercase. "she mumbled" should be lowercase.

Are you sure the boredom is eating her?

"she said aloud" should be lowercase, and "aloud" isn’t necessary, because if you say something the reader is going to assume you say it out loud…as oppose to saying "she thought."

"hollered" and "chanted" have different connotations–you may want to think of different verbs. ALSO, if you want to get this published, you’ll need permission from Taylor Swift to use her lyrics. And probably pay money.

That’s it . I personally like the Katie of the second excerpt, because she seems less moody, and it’s particularly admirable for a blind girl to not be moody. But also understandable that she is. So anyway, great job, I hope you post more

Grammar help please? Also, is it interesting. I’m making an extra effort to focus on lots of senses because Katie (who is 12) is blind. Okay, here it is, I appreciate you reading it, sorry, I know its long.

At the moment, she is totally bored and looking for her ipod.

Taking a deep sigh, she clambered up the stairs and into her room. Listen to music. Great idea! If only she knew where her ipod was. Katie dropped to the ground on her hands and knees and started searching. If she didn’t find it, at least looking for it would waste some time. Her hand crawled in all different directions, skimming over the floor, under the bed, desk, and dresser. She slithered into the lounge room and checked under all the chairs. Finally, she stood up and dug her hand under the pillows, feeling every crevice and corner, but she was nothing but disappointed. She ran her hands over and under the sheets of her bed, and tops of the desk and dresser, but still no ipod. “Mom?” She hollered. “Can you help me look for my ipod?” Still no response. She must be out food shopping or something.

Well, she could check listening to music off for list of things she can’t do. Katie collapsed her worn body onto the cool, wood floor of her bedroom. She lay there in annoyance, her body spread out like a snow angel. Puck trotted over to her and licked her face. “Hehe, stop Puck!” She cried and hugged her dog. “Puck,” She said, bolting up, “Could you help me find my ipod?” She listened for a response, but only heard her dog’s heavy breathing. “Thought not,” She mumbled and sank back down. The boredom was eating away at her. “Okay,” She said aloud, “I’ll make my own music. Help me sing Puck.” The dog bumped his head into her shoulder as Katie hollered a very out of tune version of Love Story. “WE WERE BOTH YOUNG WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU…” Katie chanted. “I CLOSED MY EYES, AND THE FLASHBACK STARTS I’M STANDING THERE. ON A BALCONY OF SUMMER AIR.”
She sang each verse with the loudest tone she could muster up, feeling free and giggly.

So, you chose my answer as Best on your other question so I came to this one to comment and explain my opinion about Visuals in Third Person vs First Person.

So–it doesn’t have anything to do with whether or not it’s first person. It has to do with whether or not it’s in Katie’s Limited Third Person perspective, or in an Omniscient third person. If it’s in Limited Third Person, that means the reader can only see what Katie sees, hear what Katie hears, smell what Katie smells…you get the point. If you’re trying to write in Third Person Limited, it’s actually a weakness when you drift out of Katie’s perspective, and it can be truly Difficult not to add in those extra details–with First Person, it’s much Easier. But that doesn’t mean that when you choose Third Person you don’t have to put in that extra effort to make it right.

BUT, you could also write the book in Omniscient Third Person. That means that the narrator (i.e., you) knows everything that’s happening to everyone, and can go into anyone’s head at any time during the story. For instance, you could tell what Katie’s thinking one paragraph, and tell what her mom is thinking the next–another term for it is Head-Hopping. But I feel like, if you want the reader to truly know what it feels like to be blind Katie, you should stick to Third Limited and avoid visual details.

Anyway, now for this Excerpt…

"Taking a deep sigh" seems like a mix between "Taking a deep breath" and "sighing deeply." But I don’t think you can really "take" a sigh because you’re exhaling, not inhaling.

What do you mean by "her worn body"? Is she sick? Injured? What? (these are rhetorical questions you should clarify in the story–you don’t have to tell me the answers )

"She lay there in annoyance" doesn’t say much about what she’s doing. How does lying somewhere in annoyance look different than lying somewhere in happiness? Also, saying that she’s "spread out like a snow angel" gives a visual from above, so that the reader is looking down at Katie, when really we should be looking through her eyes–up–at the ceiling, for instance.

"she cried" should be lowercase. "she said" should also be lowercase. "she mumbled" should be lowercase.

Are you sure the boredom is eating her?

"she said aloud" should be lowercase, and "aloud" isn’t necessary, because if you say something the reader is going to assume you say it out loud…as oppose to saying "she thought."

"hollered" and "chanted" have different connotations–you may want to think of different verbs. ALSO, if you want to get this published, you’ll need permission from Taylor Swift to use her lyrics. And probably pay money.

That’s it . I personally like the Katie of the second excerpt, because she seems less moody, and it’s particularly admirable for a blind girl to not be moody. But also understandable that she is. So anyway, great job, I hope you post more

Grammar help please? Also, is it interesting. I’m making an extra effort to focus on lots of senses because Katie (who is 12) is blind. Okay, here it is, I appreciate you reading it, sorry, I know its long.

At the moment, she is totally bored and looking for her ipod.

Taking a deep sigh, she clambered up the stairs and into her room. Listen to music. Great idea! If only she knew where her ipod was. Katie dropped to the ground on her hands and knees and started searching. If she didn’t find it, at least looking for it would waste some time. Her hand crawled in all different directions, skimming over the floor, under the bed, desk, and dresser. She slithered into the lounge room and checked under all the chairs. Finally, she stood up and dug her hand under the pillows, feeling every crevice and corner, but she was nothing but disappointed. She ran her hands over and under the sheets of her bed, and tops of the desk and dresser, but still no ipod. “Mom?” She hollered. “Can you help me look for my ipod?” Still no response. She must be out food shopping or something.

Well, she could check listening to music off for list of things she can’t do. Katie collapsed her worn body onto the cool, wood floor of her bedroom. She lay there in annoyance, her body spread out like a snow angel. Puck trotted over to her and licked her face. “Hehe, stop Puck!” She cried and hugged her dog. “Puck,” She said, bolting up, “Could you help me find my ipod?” She listened for a response, but only heard her dog’s heavy breathing. “Thought not,” She mumbled and sank back down. The boredom was eating away at her. “Okay,” She said aloud, “I’ll make my own music. Help me sing Puck.” The dog bumped his head into her shoulder as Katie hollered a very out of tune version of Love Story. “WE WERE BOTH YOUNG WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU…” Katie chanted. “I CLOSED MY EYES, AND THE FLASHBACK STARTS I’M STANDING THERE. ON A BALCONY OF SUMMER AIR.”
She sang each verse with the loudest tone she could muster up, feeling free and giggly.

So, you chose my answer as Best on your other question so I came to this one to comment and explain my opinion about Visuals in Third Person vs First Person.

So–it doesn’t have anything to do with whether or not it’s first person. It has to do with whether or not it’s in Katie’s Limited Third Person perspective, or in an Omniscient third person. If it’s in Limited Third Person, that means the reader can only see what Katie sees, hear what Katie hears, smell what Katie smells…you get the point. If you’re trying to write in Third Person Limited, it’s actually a weakness when you drift out of Katie’s perspective, and it can be truly Difficult not to add in those extra details–with First Person, it’s much Easier. But that doesn’t mean that when you choose Third Person you don’t have to put in that extra effort to make it right.

BUT, you could also write the book in Omniscient Third Person. That means that the narrator (i.e., you) knows everything that’s happening to everyone, and can go into anyone’s head at any time during the story. For instance, you could tell what Katie’s thinking one paragraph, and tell what her mom is thinking the next–another term for it is Head-Hopping. But I feel like, if you want the reader to truly know what it feels like to be blind Katie, you should stick to Third Limited and avoid visual details.

Anyway, now for this Excerpt…

"Taking a deep sigh" seems like a mix between "Taking a deep breath" and "sighing deeply." But I don’t think you can really "take" a sigh because you’re exhaling, not inhaling.

What do you mean by "her worn body"? Is she sick? Injured? What? (these are rhetorical questions you should clarify in the story–you don’t have to tell me the answers )

"She lay there in annoyance" doesn’t say much about what she’s doing. How does lying somewhere in annoyance look different than lying somewhere in happiness? Also, saying that she’s "spread out like a snow angel" gives a visual from above, so that the reader is looking down at Katie, when really we should be looking through her eyes–up–at the ceiling, for instance.

"she cried" should be lowercase. "she said" should also be lowercase. "she mumbled" should be lowercase.

Are you sure the boredom is eating her?

"she said aloud" should be lowercase, and "aloud" isn’t necessary, because if you say something the reader is going to assume you say it out loud…as oppose to saying "she thought."

"hollered" and "chanted" have different connotations–you may want to think of different verbs. ALSO, if you want to get this published, you’ll need permission from Taylor Swift to use her lyrics. And probably pay money.

That’s it . I personally like the Katie of the second excerpt, because she seems less moody, and it’s particularly admirable for a blind girl to not be moody. But also understandable that she is. So anyway, great job, I hope you post more